Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

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“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” Oh, it’s ok, you can just kill me next time.

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For someone who loves to sleep so much, you’d think I’d go to bed earlier.

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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on. I’m going to say something.

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No matter how old you are, when the kitchen roll is empty, you have a telescope.

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I don’t understand construction. Like, how do they know what to do next?

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There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

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Eating nothing but beer for a month and calling that Oktoberfast.

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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said, “Don’t text and drive.”

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Oh I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

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Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.