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They should invent a rest for the wicked.

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"If they invented a rest for the wicked, would it come with devilishly comfortable cushions? ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ’ค #EvilNaps"



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Inventing the Grinch: “Santa needs a Wario!”

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As a child, I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

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The only thing smart about you is your wisdom tooth.

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I’m an adult in the same way that Katy Perry is an astronaut.

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Perks of dating me: you will be the hot one.

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Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts.

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Taking a Hooters waitress on a date to a different Hooters on her night off.

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Staying up all night so I don’t miss any good posts.

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I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.

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OK, just so everybody’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

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