Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep.

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Outlook just asked me if I’m “enjoying” Microsoft Outlook. As if it’s not the Torment Portal.

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When you want to feel at your thinnest, walk through Walmart at any time of day.

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Here’s your daily reminder to not forget about Dre.

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I’m currently trying not to read anything about carbohydrates after 4pm.

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I relate to a rooster because I also want start off my day by screaming.

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The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while waiting in line.

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As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

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Only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is I’m outside.

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Whoever has designed parking garages is either an architectural genius or an evil sadist.

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Most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them.