Funny excuse jokes prove that humans are absolute geniuses when it comes to avoiding things 😂📄. From last-minute explanations that make zero sense to wildly creative stories that somehow sound believable 😆🌀, these jokes celebrate the art of getting out of stuff. If you’ve ever crafted an excuse so ridiculous it almost impressed you, this is your territory 🤣✨.
New funny excuse jokes
- They’re bluffing when they say you can still get knocked off the nice list this late in the game. Santa’s been delivering gifts in Japan for hours by now; that list is locked. Do whatever you want.
- Cars should have two horns, one for “excuse me, kind friend,” and another for “curse you and your family for generations.”
- No, sorry, next week won’t work. I’ll be a shadow of what I once was.
- Sorry, boss, I can’t come into work today. I’m trying to capture the childlike joy of December.
- I just need my friends to know I would do absolutely anything for them, except reply to their message.
- You should be allowed to call out of work if you have a really bad nightmare.
- Sorry, I missed your call. I watched it ring and everything.
- Yeah, bro, she’s probably just not using her phone right now, for the first time ever in her whole life.
- Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”
- Can’t. Inventing new things to worry about.
Top funny excuse jokes
- The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child.
- Sorry, can’t go out tonight. My bed told me it needs me, and I can’t let it down.
- One thing that sucks about being grown-up is not being able to say, “My mom said no,” when you don’t want someone to come over.
- Sorry, I’m late. I got caught up at home being happy.
- Teens are like, “My homework isn’t done, but check out this presentation I made on why I need Instagram.”
- I can’t go to war, I have to water my plants.
- Sorry, I’m late. I was trying to convince a bathroom hand dryer that I exist.
- Sorry, I can’t come over tonight. I’ve become too invested in these fictional characters and whether or not they will kiss.
- Excuse me, can you direct me to the nonsense?
- Sorry, can’t. I’m currently nodding in class so the teacher doesn’t feel sad.
Popular funny excuse jokes
- Sorry, I can’t hang out. I don’t know enough words.
- Sorry, I’m late. I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind.
- Hey, sorry I can’t go out tonight. I already showered and got into bed, and now I’m busy rubbing my feet together like a little grasshopper.
- Welcome to your 40s… you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
- If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online, it’s not that I lied; it’s just that I failed.
- “But it’s summer,” is going to be my excuse for everything from now until the end of September.
- Sorry, I’m late. I found my old CD collection.
- Sorry, I can’t talk right now. The seam of my sock feels weird.
- When my husband says, “Let me ask my wife,” he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
- Oh, sorry, I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them.
More funny excuse jokes
- Apparently, “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today.
- Sorry, I can’t come. I’m still recovering from the last time I went out.
- Telling my coworkers I can’t talk in meetings today because I need to save my voice for concerts this weekend.
- Sorry I’m late — I was standing in the shower, thinking about stuff.
- Sorry I’m late. It’s just because of who I am as a person.
- Hey, sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
- Sorry I’m late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.
- “Excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries?” Me, interrupting a couple fighting.
- Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
- Sorry, Mom, I can’t go outside, I’m ugly.
Witty excuse jokes
- Sorry, boss, I can’t come in to work today, I’m gonna be playing outside.
- Welcome to your 40s. “I’m too old for this shit” is now your excuse and explanation for everything.
- Sorry I’m unavailable… the horrors of reality insist upon themselves.
- Sorry I’m late. I was in the car waiting for my song to end.
- Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
- In my defense, they burned my grilled cheese sandwich.
- Sorry I missed your call. I saw that you were calling and immediately threw my phone into an active volcano.
- Can drunk people actually not control their actions or is it just an excuse to do some crazy stuff?
- Can’t believe I didn’t get invited to that party I would have made up an excuse not to go to.
- Sorry I’m late, I was fighting for my right to party.
Funny excuse jokes remind us that life is full of moments where we could take responsibility… but the punchline is so much better 🎭😅. Whether you’ve blamed traffic, fate, or “mysterious forces,” the humor never misses 😆🚀. Share the jokes, enjoy the creativity, and remember: the best excuses are the ones that make everyone laugh—including you 🤣💛.