My therapist is fluffy and walks on four paws.

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Every year I realize how dumb I was a year ago.

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Not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after I planted the seeds in the first place.

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I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo.

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I’d trust a groundhog over a weatherman any day.

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Need someone to feed me Doritos while I read, so I don’t mess up the pages. No weirdos.

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Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead.

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When is this robot army coming to take my job?

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If you step on the back of my shoe and it comes off, I will do the same thing to your head.

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Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.