38 funny therapist quotes - Wordgag

Therapy only works if you have a lower IQ than the therapist.

May 28, 2026

Can y’all just post your therapist’s advice in the comments so I don’t have to go?

May 28, 2026

My therapist said I should face my fears. So I turned my phone back on.

May 28, 2026

Garlic bread is my therapist now.

May 28, 2026

Therapy is basically me saying, “I did a thing,” and my therapist saying, “Yay, good job!”

May 27, 2026

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

May 27, 2026

My therapist said cutting people off isn’t healthy. She’s next.

May 27, 2026

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

May 27, 2026

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

May 27, 2026

Looking for someone to take to couples therapy and see how long it takes the therapist to notice we don’t know each other.

May 27, 2026

My therapist says I’m preoccupied with revenge. She’s going to regret that.

May 27, 2026

Really wanted to be a therapist until I read some of your guys’ posts and problems, and I want nothing to do with that mess.

May 27, 2026

Therapy isn’t about being “fixed.” It’s about being your therapist’s favorite patient.

May 26, 2026

Me, as a therapist: “OMG, me too!”

May 24, 2026

Twitter is basically everyone’s therapist’s couch.

May 24, 2026

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175.

May 24, 2026

“Are you seeing someone?” Like a hallucination, therapist, or a guy?

May 24, 2026

In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.

May 23, 2026

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

May 23, 2026

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU.

May 22, 2026

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

May 22, 2026

My girlfriend wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist because he already knows what’s wrong with her.

May 22, 2026

My therapist says he can’t take any more of my talk and that I should join a group. So, here I am.

May 22, 2026

My therapist is fluffy and walks on four paws.

May 22, 2026

Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

May 21, 2026

Me as the therapist: “Listen, just take a nap!”

May 21, 2026

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay, we’re out of time today”, just like a therapist.

May 21, 2026

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

May 21, 2026

Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life.

May 20, 2026

The goal is to make your therapist cry.

May 19, 2026

They always say, there is someone for everyone… unfortunately, the person for me is a therapist.

May 19, 2026

You don’t need a therapist, you need an exorcist.

May 19, 2026

My therapist said this to me, and it hit me like a brick: “They’re not your friends if they disagree with you or try to challenge you.”

May 19, 2026

Therapists are like, “You don’t owe anyone anything. Except me. You owe me 250 dollars for this session.”

May 19, 2026

I love you in a way that would worry a therapist and thrill a poet.

Apr 1, 2026

Therapists probably have to struggle so hard not to ask to see pictures of the people their clients are obsessing over.

Apr 1, 2026

Somewhere, a therapist you never met knows about you.

Apr 1, 2026

My therapist should also do my nails while we’re talking.

Apr 1, 2026