Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

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Don’t worry, I’m only dead inside from the waist up.

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I’m not like other teenagers, I’m 51.

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“I need a movie where the villain actually won!” Have you tried watching the news?

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Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

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Porn actresses envy the look on my face when I clean my ear with a cotton bud.

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It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby.

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Christmas is coming and you’re not.

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“Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.

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This year felt like being awake during surgery.

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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes, all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.