If there was a pill for procrastination… I’d probably take it tomorrow.

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Unfortunately, if you want to end your single life, you have to do something. So that’s not for me.

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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

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When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

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Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “I’ve been to a gift shop.”

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“Alcohol and beautiful women” is apparently not an appropriate answer when you are asked about your weaknesses in a job interview.

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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

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Before sleeping, most people will imagine stuff they want to happen. Like sleeping.

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Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life.

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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.