There is sex without love, there is love without sex, and there is me without both.

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She calls me Anthony Bourdain because I eat her parts unknown, no reservations.

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There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

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When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

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If you don’t have dating allegations with your best friend, you are not bestfriending hard enough.

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I miss my Dad opening the windows and talking about cross-ventilation.

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Adult peer pressure is seeing your neighbor mow his lawn.

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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

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If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish.

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I’m officially at the age where I hate unnecessary noises and useless friends.

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When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.