I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back.

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My chakra went out for cigarettes.

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I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

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The only thing I gained so far this year is weight.

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My life changed when I learned some house spiders can’t survive outside, so now I just catch them and release them in a friend’s home.

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Clubbing is a phase that you must go through and get over.

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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet.

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There’s a guy who thinks he’s going to Yale, but it’s jail.

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I always say “it’s so expensive” and then buy it nonetheless.

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I’m already excited about who I’m going to think sucks first today.

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Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.