Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

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The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremedous boredom.”

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Naked and Afraid because there’s a spider in the shower with me.

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I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin ME.

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Waiting patiently for something good to happen, like that goat in Jurassic Park.

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I can relate to God because it also takes me a full week to finish something that still kind of sucks.

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I already want to take a nap tomorrow.

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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

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I think I’m emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit in months.

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The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

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My phone storage is full so I guess it’s time to delete the 27 second video I took of a spiderweb four years ago.