Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

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There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

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Cocktails can be tricky, because they taste like juice, but then the next thing you know… you can’t walk.

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Killing with kindness is a murder by compliments.

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Imagine hating on me and I’m just in my room also hating on me.

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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Nothing ruins my day quite like getting out of bed and dealing with people.

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I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

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Cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray.

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Need to clean the fridge, so I’m going to do the responsible thing and drink wine instead.