Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has copied:

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

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My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

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It’s pretty apt that the ‘i’ is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

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My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours.

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It’s amazing to think that a Penguin wrote all of those classic books.

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A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg, even though they know you’re slightly cracked.

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If Keith Richards survived the ’70s, the ’80s, and 1.2 million Marlboros, I can probably survive anything.

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What part of “hiii” do you not get? I’m in love with you.

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I do not have a “body count.” I have a curious spirit.