“Date” is just another word for: Jeez, had I known that before, I would have stayed home.

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“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

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Heelys don’t have brakes because my swag rides forever.

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Date night idea: fight another couple.

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I don’t understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can’t remember why I walked into the kitchen.

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When I watch hockey, I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

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I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much).

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What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

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The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet.

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What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

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To the tune of ‘Everybody Dance Now’: Himalayan Sea Salt