Don’t invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.

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Your car antlers tell me everything I need to know about you.

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Everything is 10 times funnier when you are supposed to be quiet.

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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

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Curious that talented athletes frequently credit God when they win, but we rarely see them blame God when they lose.

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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me.

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I’m officially at the age where going out on the weekend just means I’m running errands.

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I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch every time I exercise.

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The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down and you don’t know whether to tell them or not.

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If I have to look at any more spreadsheets today, you’re gonna have to spread my ashes.

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My husband is trying to convince me that we’re in a situationship. “The situation is that we live in the same house and love each other.”