Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest.

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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

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For the amount of meat you get out of clam, I feel like we could just leave them alone.

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I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

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Eating trail mix should count as hiking.

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I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me.

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I hope your day is as nice as my ass.

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Life can be so beautiful, you just can’t get sober.

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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

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In honor of the winter solstice, I also will be cold, distant and filled with darkness.