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When planning dinner, remember that ice-cream has both calcium and protein.

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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

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I’m having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by.

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Parent hack: Shut your child’s bedroom door to make your house cleaner.

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Started from the bottom and I’m still ain’t shit.

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Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret.

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So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

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I could low-key really use a wish right now.

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I always leave my friends voicemails in case they suddenly decide to be a musician and need an interlude.

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Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.