Foot fetish should just be called feetish.

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Going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh, this is how you’re living?!”

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I am staying up till a million o’clock tonight.

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Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again.

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Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a cool motorcycle. Also, here’s a cool piano.”

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For my future, I wish for another planet and a ticket to get there.

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Break-up so bad, he blocked me on Pokémon Go.

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Let’s take a family trip in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, trips, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

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Some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now I have to worry about Monday.

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“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?