For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

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Having a crush is so stupid. Like, why is this dude in my head at 8 am?

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So I got a call from a telemarketer, and he said he couldn’t understand me. I told him, “Press 1 for English.”

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I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up. I have selfie steam issues.

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Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband.

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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one. There’s no in-between.

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I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

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Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

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This flight is so long, I don’t know where I’m going anymore. I just live here now. Even the crying baby gave up.

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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse.