33 Funny crime quotes

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  11 hours ago

  View →: My hair will never allow me to commit any crime; I leave my DNA everywhere.
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  2 days ago

  View →: Everyone’s “the nicest guy ever” until the cops are in their backyard digging up several bodies.
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  2 weeks ago

  View →: Public urination isn’t a crime if you do it in your pants.
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  3 weeks ago

  View →: Watching true crime documentaries so I can learn from their mistakes.
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  1 month ago

  View →: If you like true crime stories, I highly recommend the history of the Catholic Church.
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  3 months ago

  View →: When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants, so it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips!
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  3 months ago

  View →: Armed robbers are so weird. Why are you beating me when I don’t have money?
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  4 months ago

  View →: “It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
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  4 months ago

  View →: My greatest aspiration is to one day solve a murder on a train.
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  4 months ago

  View →: It’s so funny how every true crime documentary eventually devolves into a story about how the police botched the entire investigation.
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  4 months ago

  View →: At some point, my colleagues will manage to get me my own true crime documentary on Netflix.
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  4 months ago

  View →: We need a true crime show called Downtown Stabby.
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  4 months ago

  View →: If I ever went to jail for murder, it would be for murdering my printer.
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  4 months ago

  View →: So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Steve, he has never been questioned”
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  4 months ago

  View →: People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
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  4 months ago

  View →: It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
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  4 months ago

  View →: I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Toilets are not a crime scene, traces may be removed!
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  4 months ago

  View →: I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
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  5 months ago

  View →: After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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  5 months ago

  View →: The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Walking up to any crime scene and whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Thinking of starting a true crime podcast. Gotta explain this search history somehow.
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  5 months ago

  View →: What are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness?
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  5 months ago

  View →: Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store.
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  5 months ago

  View →: If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot.
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  5 months ago

  View →: My hair would never allow me to commit a crime. I really do leave my DNA everywhere.
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  5 months ago

  View →: If I’m ever murdered, I don’t want two women with a podcast solving the case in their spare time.

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