“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Commentary:
Looks like someone's on the naughty list this year! 🎅🏼🎄 Stealing Santa's donations? That's a bold move, Cotton-Headed Ninny Muggins! 🎁 Hope you enjoy your new title: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas Cheer! 😂 #NotSoNaughtyList

My greatest aspiration is to one day solve a murder on a train.

My greatest aspiration is to one day solve a murder on a train.

Commentary:
🚂 All aboard the Murder Mystery Express! 🔍🕵️‍♂️ Who needs regular hobbies when you can live out your Hercule Poirot dreams, right? Just imagine solving crimes in style with a cup of tea in one hand and a magnifying glass in the other. All eyes on you, detective extraordinaire! 🕵️‍♀️🚂

It’s so funny how every true crime documentary eventually devolves into a story about how the police botched the entire investigation.

It’s so funny how every true crime documentary eventually devolves into a story about how the police botched the entire investigation.

Commentary:
Well, it's like watching a mystery unravel, only to find out the biggest mystery is how the police managed to misplace all the clues! 🕵️‍♂️🕵️‍♀️ Time to call in the detective squad… or maybe just the Scooby Gang! 🐶🔍

At some point, my colleagues will manage to get me my own true crime documentary on Netflix.

At some point, my colleagues will manage to get me my own true crime documentary on Netflix.

Commentary:
Oh, I can already see it now – "The Chronicles of the Cubicle: The Mysterious Case of the Missing Lunches" 🔍🎬 Who knew office drama could be so riveting? Just wait for the dramatic reenactments and cliffhanger endings!

We need a true crime show called Downtown Stabby.

We need a true crime show called Downtown Stabby.

Commentary:
🔪💼 "Introducing the latest hit sensation: Downtown Stabby! Watch as crime takes a stab at the ordinary in this cutting-edge series. Warning: may cause sharp laughter and pointed suspense! 🔍🚓"

If I ever went to jail for murder, it would be for murdering my printer.

If I ever went to jail for murder, it would be for murdering my printer.

Commentary:
"I swear, officer, it was self-defense! That pesky printer was just asking for it with its constant paper jams and ink cartridge tantrums! 🔪🖨️💢 #PrintersGoneWild"

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Steve, he has never been questioned”

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Steve, he has never been questioned”

Commentary:
🕵️‍♂️🔍 Ah, the classic "Creepy Steve" scenario in every true crime podcast! It's like a game of Clue where the suspect's name is practically screaming "Guilty!" from the get-go. But hey, at least we can always rely on the community to have a unanimously agreed-upon nickname for the potential suspect, right? "Creepy Steve" strikes again! 🔎🚨

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Commentary:
"Who needs Netflix when you've got jury duty? 🕵️‍♂️💼 But let's be real, being sequestered probably means getting more peace and quiet than any mom could dream of! 🤫🛌 #MomGoals"

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

Commentary:
"Plot twist: FBI agents reading through writers' search histories must have quite the rollercoaster of emotions 🕵️‍♂️📚💻. 'Just researching for the next bestseller, we swear!' #AuthorsUnderSurveillance"