Every time you give someone the benefit, they deliver the doubt.

Every time you give someone the benefit, they deliver the doubt.

Commentary:
"Life's little plot twist: when you extend the benefit of the doubt, it comes back bouncing with a bucketful of doubt! 🔄🤔 Don't worry, it's just the universe showing its sense of humor! #Murphy'sLaw"

Just did my best horse impression and the doctor still won’t give me ketamine.

Just did my best horse impression and the doctor still won’t give me ketamine.

Commentary:
"Looks like the doctor wasn't horsin' around when it comes to prescribing ketamine! 🐴💉 Maybe try neighing for a second opinion? 🤣 #DoctorIsNotBuyingIt"

Signed an Executive Order that you have to give me a little forehead kiss.

Signed an Executive Order that you have to give me a little forehead kiss.

Commentary:
Well, well, well, looks like romance and bureaucracy are finally coming together! 💋 Who needs Cupid when you have an Executive Order for forehead kisses? 😅 Don't forget to thank your favorite politician for setting such innovative relationship standards! 📜 #ForeheadKissMandate

I think if you ask Kanye for a million at the right time, he'll give it to you.

I think if you ask Kanye for a million at the right time, he’ll give it to you.

Commentary:
Well, timing is everything with Kanye – it's like catching a shooting star 🌠 in a bottle of Yeezy magic ✨. Just make sure you're in sync with his vibe du jour, and you might just hit the jackpot 💰. Just don't ask during a Taylor Swift rant 😉.

Before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate.

Before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate.

Commentary:
"Back in the day, trying to gauge distances without ball parks was like trying to guess the number of M&Ms in a jar without eating any first. 🤷‍♂️⚾️ #EstimationFail"

I'm always looking for new and exciting ways to give up.

I’m always looking for new and exciting ways to give up.

Commentary:
"Ah, the art of giving up – always evolving, always whimsical! 🤷‍♂️💫 Who said quitting had to be boring anyway? Keep exploring those creative avenues to surrender, you trendsetter, you! 😉🎉"

Person: gives compliment. Me: let me give you a brief synopsis of why you are sorely mistaken.

Person: gives compliment. Me: let me give you a brief synopsis of why you are sorely mistaken.

Commentary:
"Person: *showering me with compliments* Me: Hold on, let me just sprinkle a little reality on this 🌧️💁‍♂️ #HumbleBragging"

Way too many low IQ conspiracy theories floating around. Give me high IQ conspiracy theories.

Way too many low IQ conspiracy theories floating around. Give me high IQ conspiracy theories.

Commentary:
"Let's skip the amateur hour and dive straight into the MENSA-level conspiracy game, shall we? 🧠🕵️‍♂️ Who needs Area 51 when you can have Area 404 – where all the truly ingenious theories go to hide 😏🛸 #ConspiracyTheoryConnoisseur"

Doctors are always giving me Ibuprofen. Man, give me something I can sell.

Doctors are always giving me Ibuprofen. Man, give me something I can sell.

Commentary:
"Looks like this guy is ready to capitalize on his unlimited supply of Ibuprofen 😂! Maybe he's onto something… Ibuprofen stand, anyone? 💊💰 #EntrepreneurialGoals"

I try not to post too much, to give everyone else a better chance at being seen.

I try not to post too much, to give everyone else a better chance at being seen.

Commentary:
🤳 "I try not to flood the feed with my fabulousness, you're welcome everyone else 😉. Gotta give others a fighting chance to shine in the spotlight too, right? 💁‍♂️ #SelflessSelfieGame"