Ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalized bowling ball. Posted on3 hours ago
Smart people are like huskies. If you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem. Posted on6 hours ago
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough. Posted on11 hours ago
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination. Posted on12 hours ago
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?” Posted on13 hours ago
When people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it,” I’m like, “Oh, you do not know what I’m capable of.” Posted on21 hours ago
Give it to me straight, doc, what can I do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle? Posted on22 hours ago
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive? You’re literally going that way anyway. Just give me a ride. Posted on1 day ago
I’ve realized that some people don’t like me, but I’ve also realized that I don’t give a shit. Posted on1 day ago
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working. Posted on3 days ago
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. Posted on3 days ago
Parenting is yelling ‘you just had a snack!’ over and over until you give in and throw them another snack. Posted on3 days ago