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159 Funny tell quotes

When I say I like when older men tell me what to do, I am talking about Yoda and his teachings.

3 months ago

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

3 months ago

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date?”, while they’re out with their significant others.

3 months ago

I don’t really care how you met your partner. Tell me about how you met your nemesis.

3 months ago

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

3 months ago

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

3 months ago

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

3 months ago

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

3 months ago

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick.

3 months ago

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them?

3 months ago

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

3 months ago

Time travel is all well and good, but I feel so stupid right now. None of them have the mustache. No way to tell which baby is Hitler.

3 months ago

As you get older, nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. Like, I don’t know what to tell you, dude, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations.

3 months ago

To all the people who ask singles why they are actually single: Please don’t. We have sworn an oath and are not allowed to tell you the secret of our success.

3 months ago

To get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica.

3 months ago

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit.

3 months ago

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

3 months ago

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

3 months ago

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “I’ve been to a gift shop.”

3 months ago

There are two wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord.

3 months ago