Funny quotes today Page 2

159 Funny today quotes

Don’t forget to tell yourself more lies today.

2 months ago

I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

2 months ago

A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.

2 months ago

In case anyone hasn’t told you today, I’m beautiful.

2 months ago

Good morning, may your coffee be strong and your boss not weird today.

2 months ago

Anyone know if we got the meek inheriting the Earth today?

3 months ago

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

3 months ago

It’s crazy windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere, so watch out for your ex.

3 months ago

Be nice today, the world is on fire.

3 months ago

Okay, that’s enough todaying for today.

3 months ago

One day I will start learning from my mistakes. Today is not that day. Tomorrow isn’t looking so good either.

3 months ago

January 1st: anything is possible. January 2nd: but not today.

3 months ago

Mr. Mixed Signals decided he likes me today.

3 months ago

Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today. I need the blood of my enemies.

3 months ago

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

3 months ago

When I was a kid, we still ate noodles. Then at some point we ate pasta. Today, we only eat carbs.

3 months ago

Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

3 months ago

Don’t forget to whine and complain about Monday today.

3 months ago

Sorry, I can’t today, I have to rot in bed and squander my potential.

3 months ago

Thursday is really unnecessary. Today could’ve been Friday.

3 months ago