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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇩🇯 has downloaded:

I don’t know why doctors only give stickers to kids? Like, hello, I was also brave today.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has shared:

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it does not mean you have to challenge it.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has downloaded:

I am AOL Instant Messenger years old.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has viewed:

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has bookmarked:

My dog and I play this game, it’s called “What Are You Chewing On Now?” It goes both ways.

Someone from 🇬🇾 has shared:

I am convinced that some of you are failed experiments that gained sentience and escaped from a lab.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has copied:

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there?

Someone from 🇳🇮 has copied:

Seems like being an asshole is a full-time job for some.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has downloaded:

Naked and Afraid because there’s a spider in the shower with me.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has copied:

I want to make fun of Kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2406 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,568

Funny Quotes Topics

15,241

Funny Quotes Images

12,568

Updated

38 minutes ago

Users Online

3,452

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Instagram:

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

Going viral on Threads:

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in the 80s described as “vintage,” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day.

Breaking via Slack:

Carefully choosing which wine to pair with a McRib.

Going viral on Reddit:

I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “You only live once.”

Shared recently on X:

They say we learn from our mistakes, that’s why I’m making as many as possible. Soon I’ll be a genius.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

They should invent a political party that doesn’t suck.

Live now on Facebook:

Whatever doesn’t kill you is probably still trying.

Making waves on Facebook:

Leggings: elegant for some, elephant for others.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Watching Jaws with my kid because I’m sick of going to the beach.

Trending via Pinterest:

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever! In my 40s: uh oh!

Home » Funny Today Quotes » Page 2

228 Funny today quotes

More funny today quotes 👇

1 week ago
Share →: Ruined a Ferrari guy’s day today by telling him that I loved his Corvette.

Commentary:
Talk about car-ma! Sure hope he has GPS to navigate through the tears 😂🚗💔
1 week ago
Share →: Took control of my life today and canceled my AOL subscription.

Commentary:
A true act of modern heroism—next up, conquering the VHS tape rewind pile! 🚀📼😆
1 week ago
Share →: I look so pretty today. I should go for a walk and let the people enjoy this.

Commentary:
I'm off to spread some joy with my face, the neighbourhood deserves it! 🌟😎🚶‍♂️
1 week ago
Share →: In terms of wasting time, today was very productive.

Commentary:
Mastering the art of productive procrastination! 😎⏳🎨
1 week ago
Share →: Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.

Commentary:
Sounds like my schedule is booked with a whole lot of nothing today! 😆🛌✨
1 week ago
Share →: Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

Commentary:
Dodging drama like a professional ninja while perfecting my 'busy bee' impression 🐝🙅‍♂️🤫
1 week ago
Share →: Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.

Commentary:
Unlocking new levels of vocabulary: the DIY furniture edition! 🛠️🤬🤯
1 week ago
Share →: Somebody somewhere today don’t know it’s their last day with all 10 fingers.

Commentary:
Oops! Someone's about to join the 9-finger club. 🎉✋🤚
1 week ago
Share →: I hate when people ask me, “What did you do today?” Like, buddy, listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don’t know.

Commentary:
Time flies when you're busy doing absolutely nothing! 😂⏰🛋️
2 weeks ago
Share →: The sheer audacity of life to ask anything of me today.

Commentary:
Life must have lost my "Do Not Disturb" sign 😂🙄🚫

For even more funny today quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny today quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇿 has bookmarked:

When is someone actually going to change the surprise in the avocado? This hard core is kind of a stupid toy.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has viewed:

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

Someone from 🇹🇲 has shared:

The problem with rich people is that I am not one.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has downloaded:

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has shared:

Twitter is like group therapy but everyone’s yelling and no one’s licensed.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has viewed:

A friend of mine decided to cut all the toxic people out of his life, or so I was informed.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has shared:

Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”

Someone from 🇮🇱 has copied:

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

Someone from 🇫🇷 has downloaded:

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has bookmarked:

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on WeChat:

Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.

Spotted on Discord:

Girls don’t actually shop. We just walk round touching the clothes saying ‘this is cute’.

Shared recently on Slack:

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich.

Making waves on Facebook:

Last time I laid on his chest, I heard girls in there laughing at me.

Going viral on YouTube:

There is nothing worse in life than calling customer service and hearing an Indian accent.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Feeling weird from my cookie-based diet.

Shared recently on Slack:

Today’s youth will never experience the pain of spending all their pocket money on a music album. Because of ONE good song!

Spotted on Discord:

I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.

Just shared via Reddit:

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Shared recently on Snapchat:

Might put on a bikini and run through your DMs.

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Activity Log ✨

228 Funny today quotes

More funny today quotes 👇

For even more funny today quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny today quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

I wonder what the other me’s are up to in other dimensions.

Men have nice skin because they stress out everyone but themselves.

Downloading the Titanic soundtrack. It’s syncing right now.

Gotta find someone you’re thermostatically compatible with. You can’t be a 74 dating a 62.

Got too drunk in the Vietnamese restaurant last night, they said I can never go back. They banh mi.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself, so if y’all don’t hear from me later, she probably folded me like an omelet.

Home is where the Wi-Fi connects automatically and no one chews loud.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

“Dating pool” is incredibly optimistic. More like dating drainage.

Can’t wait to get past this phase of my life. I need to see what all of this was for.

Leave me alone, man. I’m just living my life like a candle in the wind.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time, so it’s more of a surprise.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon, which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month.

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on the bus do not go round and round.

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

Guns N’ Roses: “Welcome to the jungle!” The jungle: “No more humans, please!”

The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace.

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