Funny thing about zombie movies – they never seem to go after the cameraman.

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The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons, and 85% morons.

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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

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It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic things you’ve had for the past couple of years.

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I’m sorry your man wears his sunglasses on the back of his head.

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Before you call me an idiot consider this: I know!

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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

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I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

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Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun. Him: I love you more than a teenager loves his phone.