Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot.

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I never forget to eat, but I do eat to forget.

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I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

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I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words.

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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are.

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If I was an elephant, you’d all be sorry.

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In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has downloaded:

Ain’t no girls in my messages, just a bunch of verification codes.

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Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

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I’ve learned my lesson so many times that I could be a teacher.