Hundreds, nay, thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old.

100 shares on Telegram this month:

Let the example of my fluke success guide nearly all of you to crushing disappointment.

24 shares on Facebook this month:

Do people exist who manage to wash, dry, fold, and put away their laundry in the same day?

84 shares on Threads this month:

Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here plucking chin hairs.

97 shares on Reddit this month:

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house.

57 shares on Threads this month:

There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair.

67 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on two pieces of wood, sliding downhill in a piece of wood. All amazing.

29 shares on Instagram this month:

In my defense, they burned my grilled cheese sandwich.

91 shares on Threads this month:

There are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

17 shares on Telegram this month:

Dads hate stopping on road trips because then all of the vehicles they worked hard to pass for the last hour get back ahead of them.

94 shares on Messenger this month:

Every Jurassic Park movie should end with an insurance adjuster getting a phone call and immediately throwing up.