I am the human version of tangled headphones.

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Always remember you’re someone’s reason to smile. Because you’re a joke.

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I unload the dishwasher backwards… just to feel something.

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Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and I managed to come home without any junk food. Now, I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

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Have been dipping my toe into doing Pilates, and let me tell you, women are real sickos.

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Me: Do you have the movie I want to watch? Netflix: No, but we have hundreds of movies that you don’t want to watch!

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Some people you look at or hear talking and think to yourself, the wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead.

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If you’re not getting spoiled, then spoil yourself.

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I’m pretty sure I fall under the percentage of people who’ve eaten the sticker on the apple.

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In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

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The best way to get through Monday is to pretend it’s Tuesday.