I composed this post in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations.

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And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

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Umbrellas are great if you only want to get wet sideways.

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Note to self: Very important! First hang up, then insult.

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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

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There’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming an important person at your job.

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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself.

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I like that they put all that stuff outside for you to look at when you’re on a walk.

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They should invent a rest for the wicked.

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The world is in chaos, confess to your crush!

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Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.