‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans.

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Thinking about quitting my job to focus on my girlfriend.

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On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

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Job applications be like “how did you hear about us?”. Bro why, was it a secret?

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Why are conclusions necessary in essays? Were you not following?

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I always take responsibility for my actions when there is no one else around to blame.

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Never share a secret with a clock. Because time will tell.

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We get it, comma, you went to Oxford.

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What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of a lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with.

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Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my CVS receipt to finish printing.

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The zero likes won’t stop me from posting. I will talk to myself if I have to.