I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep.

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If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself. No one likes a braggart.

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My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped. How’d they get a picture of my mother?

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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate.

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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

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Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all.

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The question is, what will kill humanity this century? Artificial intelligence or natural stupidity?

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Perhaps an evening in the meditation cage will soothe you.

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Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.

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Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.

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I get sad whenever they’re mean to Zoidberg in Futurama.