Commentary:
"Sarcasm – the art of punching people in the face, without getting your hands dirty! 💬🥊😏 #SavageWords"
New funny quotes ✨

It’s important to remember that even parents make mistakes. In fact, it’s how many of us became parents.
Commentary:
"Remember, parents are just winging it too! 🤷♂️🤦♀️ After all, who needs a manual when you can create one with trial and error? 😂 #Parenting101 #MistakesWereMade"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Accidentally became important at work and it’s ruining my life.
- My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable.
- I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
- I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down.
- I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.

Being an adult is realizing $1000 is little money to have, but a lot to owe.
Commentary:
"Adulting is like a twisted game of Monopoly – except instead of collecting $100, you're suddenly drowning in $1000 debt 🎲💸 #TheRealBoardGameOfLife"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I’ve left my past behind me, so if I owe you money, sorry, I’ve left it behind me.
- I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
- Tired of being the responsible adult. When can I become the irresponsible adult?
- I see 1000 girls. I know 100 girls. I talk to 10 girls. I love 1 girl. And she doesn’t love me back.
- Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice. Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

I was googling about the best time to visit the Maldives. It’s when you have money.
Commentary:
"When is the best time to visit the Maldives? When your wallet is feeling hefty and your bank account is singing 'hallelujah! 💸☀️🏝️' It's all about that perfect timing in more ways than one! #TravelGoals"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- The best time to visit Japan is when you have money!
- Too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is Fliccaroni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. Look at you googling it.
- Please no requests for a threesome. If I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I’ll visit my parents.
- Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
- Googling symptoms until you cry.
Commentary:
🤣 Sure, just be prepared to leave a part of yourself behind for posterity! 🐾 Who needs a fancy rug when you've got a friend like me shedding everywhere, right? 🙈 #FriendshipGoals #PetHairEverywhere
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- My hair would never allow me to commit a crime. I really do leave my DNA everywhere.
- I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric. Here, there, and everywhere.
- My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
- Adulting means growing hair in places you’re not supposed to and losing hair in places you don’t want to.
- Walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere: “Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft!”

I don’t wanna be dramatic but the work week continuously restarting is literally ruining my life.
Commentary:
"Does anyone else feel personally victimized by Monday's relentless return? 🙄 Let's petition to replace it with a second Sunday, who's with me? 🙌 #MondaySlander"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Accidentally became important at work and it’s ruining my life.
- Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life.
- Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
- I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
- Every girl is defined by their one lost love. And by that I mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life.
Commentary:
📰🛍️ "Breaking News: Local woman baffles wallets and dazzles delivery men with yet another mind-boggling unnecessary online purchase! 💁♀️💸 Who needs a practical reason to shop when you can just stun everyone with your fabulousness instead? Stay tuned for more updates on this fashionable and financially fearless phenomenon!"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Breaking news is really breaking me.
- The local casino is hosting a speed dating event. Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
- Breaking News: Jenny on Facebook is having salad for dinner tonight.
- Breaking news: you’re way less interesting than you think you are.
- Good news: I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Old people be like “no elbows on the table, it’s rude” then say something racist.
Commentary:
Old people be like "no elbows on the table, it's rude" 🧐… and then proceed to drop a racially charged comment like it's some kind of tea party game of bingo 🙄🤷♂️. Oh, the joys of generational quirks and contradictions! #JustOldPeopleThings 🤣
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
- It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby.
- I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
- The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
- My funeral better have a bloody merch table.
Commentary:
"Ready to tackle Monday like a boss, even if it means holding on to that thread for dear life! 🤣💪 Bring it on, week, we'll keep hanging in there like the resilient champs we are! 🙌 #MondayMotivation"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Super excited about a brand new week of faking it.
- Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices.
- Super excited about a brand new day of ignoring my problems.
- Soccer: I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new, beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty, sweaty, ruined one.
- I love when I get an email from a brand saying “we miss you!” with no coupon attached. Babe, a lot of people miss me, let’s be competitive here.
Commentary:
Hiring managers beware: this job seeker is ready to tackle any task… as long as it doesn't involve crafting a dreaded cover letter! 📝🙅♂️ Who's got time for eloquent prose when there are memes to be browsed and snacks to be eaten, am I right? 😂 Stay tuned for the next episode of "Avoiding Cover Letters: A Memoir."
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Cover letters are so embarrassing. Why am I writing a love letter to this shitty company?
- Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do you really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to work for you? No. It was to ride a pony on a funky space rainbow. Grow up.
- AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
- I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- I’ve already sent Santa a short letter this week to say hello. Not that he thinks I only get in touch if I want something.

Need to clean the fridge, so I’m going to do the responsible thing and drink wine instead.
Commentary:
"Priorities, people! 🍷 Why clean when you can have a thrilling grape adventure? The fridge can wait, but wine can't – it's getting old! 😂🍇 #WineOverResponsibilities"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- The fact that I have a lot of wine in the house proves that I don’t drink much. Otherwise the wine would be gone.
- Wine must breathe. I always hear that wine needs to breathe. I want to drink it and not revive it.
- I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
- Of course the laundry has to be done, but the wine doesn’t drink itself either.
- Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. Like Wednesday.