I wanna date someone cuter than me, but sadly I am the cutest.

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Cats spend two-thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

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Seems like being an asshole is a full-time job for some.

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Insurance is cool because even if you have it, it still kinda feels like you don’t.

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I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

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Rent really don’t make no sense. Like, why is my apartment getting a raise every year? Who is doing the performance review?

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Establish dominance by eating a salad in front of your indoor plants.

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When I said there’s no such thing as a dumb question, I didn’t expect them to take it as a personal challenge.

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If you don’t have a favorite spatula yet, you still have some growing up to do.

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On today’s family vacation agenda: my parents read the internet out loud.

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How to have flat stomach: remove all of your organs.