I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.

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Every time I talk, it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak.

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I would prefer not to.

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I am in favor of equal pay for men on OnlyFans.

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If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life.

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I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

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Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

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Got possessed by a demon once, and everyone was like, “OMG, did you do something with your hair?”

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Being in college when The Chainsmokers dropped Closer was an experience to say the least.

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Any tips on being smart? For someone just getting into thinking.