If you push your belly button and nose at the same time, your brain takes a screenshot.

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My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

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Men are like dogs. They’re actually cute, but having my own would be too much work for me.

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I don’t like violence, but I don’t mind if I get hit by luck.

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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s only attempted murder.

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Building a snowman so I can punch it in the face.

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I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example, if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

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In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day.

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Sign at the zoo says “don’t stick your hand in the alligator cage”. Thanks, but I’ll do my own research.

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What are some beginner pieces of information for somebody just getting into knowledge?