I’m not alone. I have ants.

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There is still plenty of room in my heart, but the bouncer has become a little stricter in recent years.

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Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks.

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My favorite pastime is looking for meaning where there is none.

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Proudly doing my part to cause the male loneliness epidemic.

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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

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If sex was strictly meant for procreation, why did God make it feel so good?

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If she says “you are my world” remember there are other planets. Stay alert, kings!

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I wish I were a wild horse in Kazakhstan. That would fix everything.

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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is “Please forget.”

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I spend half the day wondering if it’s too late for coffee and the other half wondering if it’s too early for alcohol.