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Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

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The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

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No camera can do justice to a landscape that melts your heart.

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Establish dominance over your children by whining louder.

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Roses are pink. I need a drink.

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Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

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My main takeaway from ‘The Walking Dead’ is that you can still eat the expired canned goods in your pantry.

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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

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Considering that doctors are never on time, they should tell you to come a half hour late, not early.

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If I climbed all the way to the top of Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile.