I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp, but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

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Give it to me straight, doc, what can I do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle?

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Shazam but for random noises outside.

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Tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert, I kinda regret getting them.

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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

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Old Spice doesn’t sound like something you wanna smell.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has downloaded:

My dog is quite vain. Whenever the doorbell rings, he thinks it’s for him.

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Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea.

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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

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I can’t date until the curse is lifted.

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Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.