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I once let a really short guy be the big spoon and it felt like I went to bed with a backpack on.

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I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said โ€œEat Pasta Run Fasta,โ€ and I canโ€™t get it out of my head.

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My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me.

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If Iโ€™m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

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I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair, then runs back out again; and I then have to fall asleep holding a crucifix.

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Life is just a series of Sopranos references with some other things mixed in.

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Every Reddit relationship post is like โ€œMy husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?โ€

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Britney Spears working at an ice-cream shop called ‘Scoops, I did it again.’

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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

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That strange moment when you are trying to be serious, but then you accidentally smile.

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Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Commentary:
"Looks like the bird is out there, living its best life while some of us are still hitting the snooze button on our talents. ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ๐Ÿƒโ€โ™‚๏ธ Maybe it's time for us to spread our wings and fly… or at least run across the street with the same level of determination! ๐Ÿ˜„ #BirdGoals"



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