Millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to.

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I need to be more disciplined and stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.

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I’m at the age where, if you ask me to go out after 9 p.m., I’m definitely not coming.

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I would have loads of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

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You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)

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I am thick and tired.

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Being insane should at least burn calories.

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Every time the universe sends me a sign, I’m like, okay, but I think I’ll wait for a signier sign.

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I still make time for all my favorite hobbies, like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.

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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!