My bear’s diarrhea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

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Your Starbucks order leads me to believe that you’re very difficult to deal with.

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How do they know an animal is extinct? Like, have you really looked everywhere?

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I’m so tired. Let’s see all of the horrible things happening in the world today before I try to sleep peacefully.

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I’m actually really peace-loving, but then there are other people.

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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

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Adulthood is saying “but after this week things will slow down a bit” over and over until you die.

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Caveman: I just invented the wheel. Journalist: Here’s why the wheel is bad for humanity.

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Best threesome: me, my bed and my pillow.

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Maturity is when you realize money can actually buy happiness.

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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early, they’re going to have to learn how to make coffee.