My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has downloaded:

Welcome to your 50s, where coffee is the new happy hour and mornings are the new hangover.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has copied:

Wake me when AI does housework.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has downloaded:

Women are like a fitted sheet. No matter what you do or how hard you try, they just never seem to cooperate.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has bookmarked:

Life is just a sequence of missed opportunities.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has downloaded:

Sometimes I don’t worry about things at all and other times I am awake.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has bookmarked:

I’m so old, I used to block people by simply holding the door shut.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has bookmarked:

Them: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long. Me: Yeah, that was on purpose.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has viewed:

Mothers be doing unnecessary housework and then get mad at you when they’re tired.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has copied:

My biggest sexual fantasy is someone throwing a million dollars on my naked body and then leaving me alone.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has copied:

I’m not fragile like a flower. I’m fragile like a bomb.