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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has copied:

Once I matched with a guy and ended up finding out he lived in my neighborhood, so I told him to go outside and scream, and he did. And I heard it.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has copied:

I don’t do exercise because one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has bookmarked:

They lie on the job descriptions, so lie on your resume.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has viewed:

Work can be tiring at times, and you might feel like quitting. But remember those plane tickets.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has shared:

Whenever I’m not eating a breakfast sandwich I wish I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has copied:

Everyone should be more grateful for what I don’t say.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has shared:

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has copied:

I am woman, hear me roar but also meow because I am sensitive.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has copied:

I did not spend years turning the faucet off while I brushed my teeth, so corporations could ruin the environment with festering AI slop.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Snapchat:

Most people think that I’m arrogant, but who cares what peasants think.

Spreading quickly via Twitch:

I like my job, but if I had the opportunity to become a rich housewife, I would take it.

Spreading quickly via Threads:

If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

Making waves on YouTube:

My son was praying for “everybody in the world.” If you suddenly start experiencing good fortune, you’re welcome.

Going viral on Threads:

My rapper name would be 2 stressd.

Spotted on X:

Imagine you blocked me, and I crawled out from under your couch to ask why.

Trending via Facebook:

I love when I can smell my perfume on myself, like damn girl, you smell delicious.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons.

Seen just now on Pinterest:

I don’t always seize the day. Sometimes I poke the day with my index finger and go, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Going bananas on Facebook:

I don’t wanna brag, but my posts are unpopular on all continents.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

7 days ago

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24 shares on WeChat this month:

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

52 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Everyone’s worried about a recession, but babes, we’re heading for a dark age.

45 shares on TikTok this month:

Spider-Man, but set in rural England so he just has to walk everywhere.

63 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Where do you see yourself five beers from now? What’s your five-beer plan?

51 shares on WeChat this month:

Hiking in your 40s is a great way to meet new people. Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus.

52 shares on Discord this month:

I would be more patient if it didn’t take so long.

54 shares on Facebook this month:

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said.

92 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Going out with 38% battery and no boyfriend.

16 shares on X this month:

I like warm weather but only to a certain degree.

28 shares on Telegram this month:

After a quick review of my finances, everyone is going to have to be happy with a forehead kiss for Christmas.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇧 has shared:

I hate it when I do the math about where my money went, and it all adds up. No one robbed me; I didn’t lose it. It was really all me.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has copied:

Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged item at the thrift store that doesn’t smell.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has copied:

Twitter actually is my diary, so you’re not allowed to get mad at the things I post. You’re not even supposed to be reading this. Why were you going through my stuff?

Someone from 🇸🇪 has shared:

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has shared:

All I’ve ever wanted is to look good naked, hope that someone can take it.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has copied:

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has shared:

How do you tell someone that you will probably end up marrying them, but in a casual way?

Someone from 🇨🇷 has bookmarked:

If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?

Someone from 🇵🇼 has viewed:

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Snapchat:

I’d rather lose you than the argument.

Just shared via Reddit:

I need carpenters to remember that beds are also for sex. The aesthetics are great and all, but what is with all the squeaking?

Spotted on X:

I need an emergency cheeseburger.

Going viral on Discord:

Needs to be a Google Maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic.

Making waves on Messenger:

I drive safer when there’s food in my passenger’s seat than when there’s a person sitting there.

Breaking via Discord:

Adulthood – a never-ending story of shit you have to do.

Spreading quickly via Reddit:

When someone says they’re never going to talk to me again, I do the right thing and say thank you.

Trending via Reddit:

I think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup.

Going viral on Facebook:

Welcome to middle age: your chin looks lonely; here’s another one.

Trending via WeChat:

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

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Activity Log ✨

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

In your 20s, there will be an evil narcissist demon disguised as the man of your dreams. It’s important that you run from that loser before he steals your light.

I’m actually quite nice. If I had friends, they’d all confirm that.

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

Anytime someone comments on my weight, I try to ignore them and keep my chins up.

I’m broke — I got money, but it’s for responsibilities.

Being gracefully unhinged is the only way to get through the everyday bullshit.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

Keep the laugh going 😂

In your 20s, there will be an evil narcissist demon disguised as the man of your dreams. It’s important that you run from that loser before he steals your light.

I’m actually quite nice. If I had friends, they’d all confirm that.

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

Anytime someone comments on my weight, I try to ignore them and keep my chins up.

I’m broke — I got money, but it’s for responsibilities.

Being gracefully unhinged is the only way to get through the everyday bullshit.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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