My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has bookmarked:

Hello, boyfriend? It’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

Someone from 🇳🇷 has downloaded:

At the strip club sighing until one of the dancers asks me what’s wrong.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has viewed:

I have the sex drive of a potato.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has bookmarked:

Whatever you ask the Universe for under this post, you will get next week.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has downloaded:

I couldn’t work at a zoo. I’d have a penguin in my car by the end of the shift.

Someone from 🇧🇪 has bookmarked:

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has shared:

Sending your selfies to NASA because you’re a star.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has viewed:

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Someone from 🇭🇷 has downloaded:

You’re old if you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

All of humanities problems could be solved with a large meteor.