No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

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I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”. Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is really pissed off about something dream me did.

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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

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Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”.

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Not having a crush is dangerous. What am I supposed to think about? What if I invent something?

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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

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Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming.

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You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you.

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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult.

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I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

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They should invent a customer service center that isn’t “currently experiencing higher than normal call volume”.