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“How is the job search going?” First of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know.

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If I turned into a “teen wolf”, my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships.

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One time, when I was a kid, I fell off my bike and hit my head so hard, I was briefly able to communicate with bees.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has copied:

Sometimes I get really mad at myself, but not like mad enough to fight myself or anything like that.

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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the holiday traffic I said I’d avoid even though I did nothing to avoid it.

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God, on inventing the tiger: “Okay, so this is going to be some kind of cat that likes to eat Frosted Flakes.”

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Can we normalize arguing with little kids? They’re so rude.

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This quote is invisible. Only people who masturbate a lot can read it.

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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.