Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

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Patience is for beginners. I’d rather freak out straight away!

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Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn’t work out.

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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

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When I die, I hope I’m remembered for my ability to take any bad situation and make it worse.

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Is ChatGPT down for anyone else? I’m a cardiac surgeon in the middle of heart surgery.

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My hobbies include adding things to my cart, and never buying them.

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No pre-workout, just flashbacks of stuff I let slide.

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Shazam but for random noises outside.

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“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

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When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.