Pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding”, so in a way we are all pesto.

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How do they know an animal is extinct? Like, have you really looked everywhere?

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I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

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When I get tired of shopping, I sit down and try on shoes.

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I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

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Nothing says sexy like a pair of sensible, silky polka dot PJs.

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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave- and dishwasher-safe.

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And then I thought to myself, “What’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?”

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They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question, but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

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“Hope this email finds you doing well!” The email found me, therefore I am unwell.

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I like my job, but if I had the opportunity to become a rich housewife, I would take it.