Pregnancy is crazy. You really come home with someone you don’t know, with no teeth.

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Some people stay in the past because that’s where they peaked.

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This entire month could’ve been an email.

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Nobody could stop me if I wasn’t tired all the time.

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As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

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If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40, the mannequins should be laying on a couch.

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My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

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Hear me out, a Q-Tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away.

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Can I get back all those naps I refused to take as a kid? I could really use them now.

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I don’t mean to say that I drink a lot of coffee, but Colombian farmers have a photo of me in their wallets.

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A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.