So I think the mammals have now ravaged this planet long enough. It’s time for the reptiles to take over again.

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Millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to.

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Moose would have been a better name for a cow.

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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment. I wanted something with no strings attached.

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My dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry.

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Nothing ruins my day quite like getting out of bed and dealing with people.

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Self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings.

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I love befriending yappers. They bring the yapping out of me. Then we yap together. Yapping is so much fun.

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If it’s a ghost ship, why does it have to be on water?

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My favorite sex position is any of them. I’m just glad to be involved.

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Why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula?