Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like, ugh, everywhere I go there I am.

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No, it’s totally fine, Grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today.

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Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit something.

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Imagine how much better the world would be if everyone set aside their differences and came together as one to buy me a castle.

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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never.”

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If they don’t look at you like you’re magic, disappear like Houdini.

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I’ve got the nativity scene facing the TV, so baby Jesus can watch “Die Hard.”

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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesn’t play the song I want.

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Rain cancels plans, upsetting some and delighting others.

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The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

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You can recognize working-class kids by the fact that they hang their jacket over the chair in the restaurant and not on the coat hook.